Saturday, June 27, 2015

Inner Brat

God breaks the heart
Again and again
Until it remains open...
--Hazrat Inayat Kahn

Thank you, Carla for this quote.

I am convinced that all bad behavior stems out of a need to alleviate anxiety: anxiety created from lack of self-worth, self-trust, imagined lack of love, past life pain, abuse, who knows what. It's like every little slash of damage from all these sources creates fissures in the whole, and those fissures create anxiety and then we do whatever we can to not feel the bad feelings until that particular whatever doesn't work anymore and we're forced to work on ways to patch or heal the cracks. Or maybe find new whatevers if we're not quite ready for anything deeper.

Some people are calmer than others. I am not one of them. It's only in the last few years that I've realized that I am an deeply anxious person. Maybe we all are? Maybe we all drink and smoke and rob banks and post bitchy comments online because we want to escape the gnawing dread that lies directly under the surface? It appears that simple to me sometimes, even though nothing is ever that simple. It's always infuriatingly complex. Some people garden or run marathons, God bless them. I like to burn everything down to the ground and then weep over it inconsolably.

My mother says I was always drawn to darkness, even at a very young age.

I remember looking up at my dad and asking if I would be grown up when I turned 10 years old. He said nope, gotta wait til later, kiddo. I came to NY at 21 and met an amazing woman named Liz who was 35 at the time, which seemed a lifetime away. She led a very alternative lifestyle which spoke of mysteries that both scared and fascinated me. She remained poised and sure of herself while I spazzed around her, bouncing off walls and committing bonehead gaffes with regularity. But I thought that when I too hit 35 I would finally be an adult, wiser and more sure of myself like her.

Spaz with hero:

Then I got there and still felt like the same person I was at 21. I am still waiting for maturity to hit. No one tells you that you will always be who you are no matter what changes you see in the mirror. You might make better decisions based upon past experience, but you're essentially the same idiot with the same idiosyncrasies and demented drives that you always were.

I know that some of you are wondering what the eff I've been up to since that last over-sharing post.

Drew and I are working it out. We were both drinking too much to cope and not connecting and came very close to splitting up. He collected a lot of phone numbers and dated an obnoxious little girl for a few minutes. I continued torturing him with my attachment to another person. It came to a head where it became clear it was time to split, at least temporarily, or cut it the fuck out. So we're making changes. He has a lot of patience and we have a lot of love between us and have always been able to talk things out. We've both made concessions and are aware enough to see that the shake up was inevitable. I would share more details but he is a private person and I have to respect that. Plus I have come to realize that not everyone wishes for our highest good, and I don't need to hand out ammo to those few who love to sling arrows.

It is time to face my demons, at least tentatively. My bratty, unruly, wanna go out and party like a 21 year old so I don't have to deal with middle-age fear demons.

Recently I ran into a woman in the bank that I knew "back in the day". She was cute and fun and interesting then. Now she has crazy eyes and immediately began rambling in a too loud voice about her various ailments and how she never goes out, never goes on facebook, never this, never that, arthritis, medication, no money, etc. She was the physical embodiment of all my terror.

I practically sprinted out of the bank. And this is not a rare occurrence, I get the same energy from people my age via facebook, via email. It is no wonder I have found myself rebelling in every way possible. I will not go gently into that good night.  I will continue to rebel, I just need to do it in a way that doesn't damage myself and everyone in the vicinity.

My mother and I, separately and in different ways, recently began being guided to look at inner child work. One of the readings I mentioned in a prior blog had said that my childhood is what keeps knocking on the door, and that it is time to heal that pain and in doing so free myself from the survival behaviors that are no longer working for me. The main one being destroying relationships when they aren't distracting me from my own fear and shame.

So lame. Why can't my mechanism be over-arching ambition or an obsession with making my apartment look better?

Drew, as usual, figured it out way before me and said he knew that the wounded and rebellious kid buried inside me had been running the show for months, maybe even for last year. And because we have always been mirrors for each other, my damage drew out the deepest of his damage, also inner child stuff. All those points of darkness buried deep within the psyche that tell us we're not good enough, we'll never be good enough, we are unlovable. We both manifested in our own particular less-than-healthy ways.

On top of that, there is the male/female dynamic. Good men (and there are many more good men out there than a lot of women are willing to admit) will try to do whatever they can to make women happy. But most women don't know they have that power and don't really know what they want and don't know that we have to ask for it out loud. So we (women) sit around expecting men to intuit what it is we need, and to provide it, while men scramble around confusedly trying to follow nebulous and contradictory clues. I found myself unhappy and deadened and I expected Drew to fix it. He's always done whatever I asked, but this time I wasn't asking because I didn't know.

Blargh. It's an ongoing process. I am by no means sorted. I am confused as fuck. But I'm looking within more often instead of without and I want to share a few resources that are helping me, in case any of what I am experiencing resonates for any of you.

This guy:

And this guy. Who I initially found annoying, but this lecture blew me away once I got into it, he outlines why we sabotage our attempts to get spiritual:

Christiane Northrup is changing the way I am thinking about aging:

And Mama Gena has some wonderful information about the inner workings of men and women:

Lastly, a side note. Recently my favorite cat Albert escaped the apartment and was missing for two days. It was a rough two days, but so many hundreds of people, strangers as well as friends, extended help that it upped my ambivalent opinion about the human race. So thank you to everyone who was there for me. Albert is safe and sound.

I hope this blog finds you happy and whole.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Succubus Me

I haven't been blogging much lately because I haven't known how to put the words down. I have been writing quite a bit, mostly poetry, and the Lydia Lunch workshops and Badass Babes on a Bender reading event went even better than expected, so we will be doing that again. Everything was filmed, so it will go online at some point, although I hate watching myself talk/read on film. Being in a band is so much easier. 

Like many people, I grew up with a lot of secrets, with shame, and feeling that I had to hide my true self from myself and from others. Over time I've managed to shed a portion of that nagging voice that tells you that if people really knew who you were they would never love you. Though I'm not completely whole, I'm not veering wildly from raging maniac to mommy's good girl anymore. 

Part of the healing process has been learning to speak truthfully to people. I have hurt so many lovers and friends with omissions and half-truths. I would either run before having to say something out loud or hold it in for too long and then blurt it out at the most inappropriate and hurtful time possible. Friends would assume that everything was great while I rolled along gathering steam until I'd freak out and scream at them over something minor. I once told an on again off again boyfriend that I had become involved with someone else right before the boyfriend and his band walked out to play a song on a national talk show. Yeah, I'm that person. It just fell out of my mouth. I've been called a succubus more than once in this lifetime. 

So now I want to live in honesty. I believe that honesty, even if difficult, will lead to everyone's higher good in the end. I also think that my writing is meaningful only if it comes from a truthful place. To me, creativity is making something from the deepest part of yourself that then connects to the deepest part of another. I can't come close to that if I'm bullshitting. 

But what if your truth is something that will damage the people closest to you or endanger your status quo? In my case, you keep it tamped down, drink too much alcohol to not have to think about it, and definitely don't blog about it.

Drew and I have been together for 12 years. We fell madly in love when we got together and I tattooed his name on my arm within a month of being with him. People have always envied our relationship. We eat the same, sleep the same, travel the same, like the same music, think the same things are funny. Even when we fight we still crack jokes. We fight fair, we don't play games, we want each other to be happy. 

Drew has helped me heal a lot of damage. He is the first man in my life that to consistently prove trustworthy. He sees me as fragile, which no man ever has, and always does his best to make sure that I am safe and happy. He is not a perfect person, he has had his moments, but for the most part it's been a healthy connection. I am a nicer, calmer person now than I was when we met, and that is due to his presence and support.

Status quo: everything fine. Then my hormones went kablooey, and maybe something deeper, some kind of soul shifting occurred, long-buried wounds came up to be healed, and I stopped cooperating. Classic perio-menopause symptoms: I needed more time alone, I was bitchy, couldn't sleep, I wanted to focus on whatever I was doing at the moment and not be distracted by whatever he was doing or saying. I went to the doctor, got some hormone replacement therapy (pills) and felt infinitely better. Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord. Drew was beyond relieved. 

But something still wasn't back to normal. I felt antsy. As much as I am a rock and roll rebel on the outside, I've spent a lot of time trying to be this responsible "good girl" persona that was imposed upon me from birth. Suddenly that felt binding. The idea of settling into a quiet middle age, the talks of moving somewhere less urban, felt chafing. I wanted to hang out with friends, run the streets wild like I did in my 20's, stay up all night and write bad poetry into the mornings. And because I am bartending and not working an office job, that is pretty easy for me to do. 

For most of my life love has been about ownership. I've had a lot of rules about how things are supposed to be and many of those rules have been borne out of fear and pain. This is not an especially comfortable space to live in for every involved party, but we all have our damage and that has been mine. Fear of losing, fear of losing control, fear of abandonment, fear of someone taking what I have. And I am a charismatic enough person that I have usually been able to mold situations to suit my comfort level. People have loved me enough to allow me to pin them down. 

Over the last year I could feel the rules dropping away and with it came an excitement to step into the unknown. Who am I really, if I stop reacting and choose for myself? In some ways that's great. The idea of new possibilities is expansive, decisions made from joy and true personality rather than fear and need for protection. But in other ways, it's very difficult. 

Recently, and probably because I am in this wide open space psychically and spiritually, I allowed another person to enter my psyche and heart. They didn't replace Drew, just sort of moved in next to him in a way that was impossible to ignore or resist. This was not comfortable for me as it is a violation of all the rules that I personally created. I felt as if I'd dropped into an open manhole, fumbling around in the dark. I've spent months festering, obsessing, getting psychic readings, talking to friends, and as mentioned, drinking too much to not have to think about it. 

Eventually, and against all friendly advice, I told Drew. It simply didn't feel right to keep a secret from the closest person in my life. He knew already anyway, he had predicted it a year ago as he knows me better than I know myself sometimes. And he could feel the distance and see the weight that I was silently carrying. 

The price for that honesty is high. We are evolved, non-traditional people; he understands me, he knows this is something the cosmos threw at me, and maybe him too, to crack things open in a way that maybe needed to happen. My favorite psychic predicted it ten years ago and Drew and I both believe that there are no coincidences. I don't believe we're here to be comfortable, I believe we're here to sort our souls out, that being alive on the earth is a form of school. We aren't here to coast cheerfully. Certainly joy is an aspect of life if we are lucky, but there are also deeper elements working to force us to expand in ways that aren't always comfortable. 

But understanding it intellectually doesn't change the emotional aspect. I have caused an immeasurable amount of pain to the one person who has always been my staunchest advocate and friend and who least deserves it. His friends think I'm an asshole. I feel like an asshole. My mother is going to be so mad at me when she reads this. I have created damage that might not be undone and I have to live with that on my conscience.

Every day is a rough tiptoe through uncharted territory: heavy conversations and moments of anger and hurt on his part, apologies on mine. Then other days it's all jokes, and weirdly, both of us agree we feel closer now than we have in months, now that we're talking openly again. Maybe we will separate and always be friends. Maybe Drew will add a new girlfriend to his life to balance out the other person in mine. He certainly gets offers every day and now he's got a get out of jail free card, especially as I am unwilling to eject what is a deep connection from my life and try to pretend it never existed, which would be the traditional solution. I watch enough Dr. Phil to hear him shouting it at me. 

But Drew and I both know that trying to step backward into an old footprint is not the solution; forward movement is the only way. But what is that movement? I can barely predict the next hour, let alone the future. Maybe Drew and I will come together stronger in the end. I have always assumed we would grow old together. Now anything is possible. 

I only know that my intuition is telling me that it will all be fine in the end, and that although we are in the weeds, we are still oddly on course. At my lowest moments I have felt an angel's hand on my shoulder. So I'm free falling while working on my inner self as much as possible in the hope that the outer self will follow suit. And trying to remain respectful and conscientious in the process. 

Drew simply says, "I love you, Mary, more than anyone ever, but you are batshit fucking crazy and you're an incredible pain in the ass."

Ah, yep. Thought the crazy was behind me, turns out not so much. Seems as if it might be a life sentence. So that's the reason that I haven't blogged anything wise or funny lately. I am worried about the repercussions of being so public with this, but it is what it is. I may be an asshole, but I'll always tell you the truth. 

Lydia, Zoe and me at Badass Babes, having some words with a heckler. Photo by the uber talented Jasmine Hirst:

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Notes from Inside the Lava Lamp

I know these posts are getting more new agey all the time, but that's where my thoughts reside lately, so it is what it is.

I am not a well woman.

Christa Lawrence, who has known me since we were very young, maintains that you can put me in a room full of 300 attractive, emotionally-available men and I will invariably choose the hot one in the corner with a drug habit and and a bad attitude. This myopia carries through all aspects of my life: I currently own four adopted, once-abused and/or abandoned animals, each one with its own weird issue, two of them epileptic. But they look gorgeous. All of the people I truly love are insane. I am drawn to the broken and beautiful, determined to repair. I love the phrase "beautiful wreck", even though it is better in poetry than it is in real life, and I will ram my head against a problem until it shifts, or (more often) until I cut my head open.

As you can imagine, this over-arching codependency and love of drama has created chaos over the years: hospital visits, drug abuse, broken windows, broken hearts, rivers of tears. Therapy, therapy, therapy, talking, talking, talking. Blah, blah, blah. Once in a while you think you've got it together: you don't snort drugs anymore, you choose higher quality people (look Ma, no junkies!), and only a small and  manageable amount of people still hate your guts. 

But in the end you're the same person you always were, just with better manners and a cleaner apartment. Given the right opportunity and planetary alignment, my boundaries are still hopelessly skewed. Because, in truth, I am the one that is broken, gluing bits and pieces back together over time.

Over the last year the planets and hormones have aligned themselves in a most chaotic fashion, and I have been emotional, batty, and sick for months with a low grade cold which comes and goes in intensity, but always saps my energy. I am working on it, so please don't bombard me via facebook with herb and food suggestions, the last time this happened I kept all the wise advice from friends and am utilizing much of it. This is more about finding my way through an energetic vortex than about consuming oil of oregano. 

Some days lately I feel so sad, so angry, so much love, so much desire, so much spinning that I just want to burn my whole life down. Run somewhere and start a cat rescue ranch on a beach. Can you have a cat farm on the beach? Probably not because they don't like to swim and they'd look at it as one big litter box. 

I had two readings recently, one from my mom and one from a friend who is very thorough and spot on, and as a result is highly in demand. They both said the same thing: clearing old energy. Yeesh.

This from my mom:

"Mary is clearing much old energy from past lifetimes as are most others at this time.  It is a process and must unfold. She will have to deal with the physical as needed, but that too is a clearing of old energy regarding female issues from past lifetimes as well as the clearing of the sacral chakra.

She needs to spend more time quietly, less drinking, socializing, and more going within.  She is focused outwardly too much even when alone and is thus unable hear to her inner voice. This is a powerful time on earth when much change is happening for all. The old ways are fading and disappearing and the new and higher frequencies of Light are coming in in ever increasing intensity. Any resistance will simply make this process more difficult.  

She hopes to keep things as they have always been, but this is not possible. She need not fear the loss of who she is with change, for it only can result and a better "self" as one becomes more enlightened. Be not afraid dear one, for you cling tightly to much that is finished in the belief that it is you. No, it is not you. Much of your work is finished in the forms it has been, but new forms will appear when you are ready. The outer is the inner.  For now you must take time to relax and allow this process to unfold." 

Less drinking, more meditating? Seriously?? Drew's response: "But you're so much happier and nicer when you're drinking..."


Luckily, I have a solid support system of family and friends who love me and tell me that I'm a good person even when I can't see it. A mother who is on hand with spiritual readings whenever I feel I need them. She keeps repeating herself hoping it will sink in: Clearing. Fucking clearing. I'm sick of the word. Clearing out the old past life stuff, this life stuff, all the crap that gets in the way of peace and possible "ascension" is coming up now for everyone. How do we even walk with all the past life, this life, this week baggage strapped to our backs?

The second reading I got was two hours long so I can't put it all down here, but one of the main directives was that it is time to revisit my childhood and heal/release old wounds from there. 'Cause nothing says party like thinking about that time in the third grade when your first undying and unrequited most beautiful in the world passionate love Bennett Manville chose Susan Bell over you because you had just gotten glasses, even though you were the one he always talked to and who kept him laughing through homeroom every day. Susan was a real bitch about the whole thing too.

In actuality, there was much heavier stuff going on, but still. Life is hard from the get. First day of kindergarten, I already knew it was going to suck.

Okay, where was I going with this? Oh yes. Revisiting childhood. So yeah, trying to do that. Think about who I was, who I am, how I got here. Thinking about all the shit that went down and allowing myself to feel all the shame, the sadness, the confusion, the anger, the self-loathing, etc. So much self-hatred. What I have learned is that if you allow yourself to feel the feelings instead of resisting or avoiding, there is less pain. Not less sadness, which is different, but do-able. Sadness passes if you don't hold so tightly. Once you've ugly-cried for a few minutes (or hours...or years...) you can let it rise out of the top of your head and dissipate.


My mother tells me that when we are asleep, and if we are willing, our angels and guides work on us to help with the process. Two nights ago as I was falling asleep I felt myself being picked up out of my body. I floated up into a space where everything was blue and green and sort of looked like the inside of a lava lamp. I felt intense energy around me and I got freaked, and I said, "You're going too fast, I'm scared." They, whoever they are, told me that I was safe, put me back in my body, and I woke up with a start. As soon as I started dozing off I was right back in the lava lamp, but I wasn't frightened anymore. 

The next day my BFF wifey Zoe Hansen, who is one of the most psychic people I know, and who is always in tune with what I am feeling even when we don't talk about it, posted this selfie with the exact colors and energy on facebook. So I knew what had happened was real.

So yeah, residing inside lava lamps, cat ranches, colds, childhood, past lives, the outer is the inner. And this is only the stuff I can talk about publicly. 

I need a drink. 

Lastly, I'm coordinating a spoken word workshop with Lydia Lunch. If you are a female writer in the NY area and want some expert assistance on reading to an audience, email me at April 12th is full but there are still a couple of spots left for the 14th.

Hope this blog finds you all well. And thank you for your kind indulgence. =)

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Emotional Rescue

I'm back!

Okay, not totally. I still don't feel especially inspired to blog about anything in particular, despite the fact that the world is full of intense topics to opine upon. But the brain is at least starting to turn back on so I guess we'll start by randomly typing with the hope that something of interest shows up.

I have not been unhappy, things have been positive and chugging along as they should. Just not inspiring me to sit in front of the monitor in any other capacity than perusing recipes and hitting the like button on everyone's facebook photos.

There are always the same boring reasons not to create that I've mentioned many times before. Signs lately point to the main reason being exposure/vulnerability. I'm clinging to that because the other alternative is simply that I'm lazy and that's not very interesting. My dear friend Storm, who is the polar opposite of lazy and has already written a sold out one woman show and a memoir and tours constantly and writes great songs and will have one glass of wine and then stop like an adult rather than drink the whole bottle and then get sad about pets that died ten years ago or post really dumb status updates that have to be quietly deleted the next day, so she must be right about oh, EVERYTHING, is convinced that my continuing to remain behind the bar and not pursue a bigger life has to do with fear of blowing up.

Not in the Looney Tunes sense,

More like the sense that if I ever did get anything completed, it would sell at least to the point that I would be more prominent in the public eye, and that is a terrifying thought. Which is true. At least the fear part, dunno for sure about the sell part but it's nice to think that this would be the case. I know that everyone thinks they want to be rich and famous, but if it were true then talented people wouldn't ruin opportunities right and left the way they always do. I can count ten people off the top of my head that are more talented than a slew of publicly lauded stars, but who will never walk a red carpet or get noticed outside their own social sphere. Everyone has their reasons. In my case, I can barely handle it when someone disagrees with me on facebook about what I ate for dinner. For all this past badassery and a love of wardrobe judging, it turns out I'm a total wimp when it comes to being criticized and will avoid arguments with strangers at all costs. The idea of being truly hated all over the internet, and everyone who is public is hated by more than a few, scares the crap out of me.

The other resistance, especially lately, is that I, because of my age and past rock and roll career, am surrounded and friendly with a lot of people who live in the past. It bores the crap out of me and I don't want to fall into that hole. I love my history and I'm proud of it. I'm happy to share old photos on occasion and talk about it when someone is sincerely interested. I've got some good stories and it's fun to watch people's eyes get round when they're told. But there is an air of desperation in what's left of the "scene" to prove that each one of us was important once in some grand way. So there are a lot of old ladies and men out there posting photos from 20-30 years ago and ignoring what is going on around them now, and I don't want to get old like that. Yes, pop culture sucks, I'm not into it. But there has to be somewhere to turn for relief beside the scrapbook.

I see a lot of shows where people trot out the same Johnny Thunders songs for the 900th time and then everyone gets all maudlin talking about what a saint he was and how he would have done this or that if he was here now. I go to those shows and it's fun to jump around to Chinese Rocks. I love Johnny as much as the next guy. But come on. He was no deity and wherever he's at right now, he doesn't give a shit about who you're dating or how many photos you took with him when he was alive. Bass player, DJ, and miscreant Sam Hariss and I have a running joke in which we state things like, "Johnny would have never eaten his sandwich with that brand of potato chips." or "You're doing it wrong, Johnny didn't tie his shoes like that."

This is not to say I'm judging harshly, which would be hypocritical. It's more about poking fun at the (small and large) deaths that aging brings, and a resistance to succumbing too quickly. I like those old photos too, I looked better in them. Especially my arms. I loved my little bird arms, now they're all middle-aged lady big, no matter how many tricep dips are cranked out in a week. I like seeing myself standing next to Joey Ramone and it's fun remembering that the world was once magical. I just don't want to sound like someone's grandmother any more than necessary.

So I'm trying to find ways to exist in the present, as a has-been rocker in a world full of young people who aren't interested in rock and roll and insist on moving to New York just to re-work it to their Idaho standards rather than exploring anything the city might have had to offer before they got here two years ago to help mash it into a real estate pulp. It's a trial and error experiment that every generation for centuries must have to go through.

There is a delicious drink on the cocktail menu at Dream Baby, where I work on Saturday nights, called the Emotional Rescue. Last week a large party of girls fell in love with it and reordered it all night. But they couldn't remember the name:

Courtney My-Dad-Pays-All-My-Credit-Card-Bills: "Can I have another one of those Emotional Breakdowns?"

Me: "Sure, but it's an Emotional Rescue. You know, like the Stones song."

Courtney: "Huh? Okay, yes, one of those."

15 minutes later...

Courtney: Can I have another Emotional Relief? Is that what it's called?"

Me: "Of course you can. It's the Emotional Rescue."

Courtney's friend Ashley I'm-Gonna-Leave-My-Jacket-on-a Couch-and-Then-Accuse-the-Bar-of-Stealing-It-When-It-Sat-There-Unattended-For-Two-Hours-While-I-Ground-All-Over-an-Investment-Banker-I-Just-Met-to-a-Miley-Song: "Me too! Me too! I want an Emotional Thingie!""

This went on all night, until I found myself shrieking sadly: "Emotional RESCUE! Like the Stones song! For the love of all that is holy, Emotional RESCUE!"

Courtney looked at me in all seriousness and said, "Emotional Breakdown! Two more please! What are the Stones?"

And then my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I blacked out for three minutes.

I don't remember where I was going with this...Oh yes, living in the past, fear of change, fear of success, blah, blah, blah. I'll figure it out. In the meantime, thank you for bearing with me, I'm honestly grateful that people want to read these missives and have been nudging me to get back to it, and I hope that this New Year finds all of you fulfilling your highest potential as well.

Much love.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Causes of the Common Cold

ME (honking into a tissue): What are you watching?

DREW: Marvel's Ultimate Spiderman

ME: Why does Spiderman look so weird?

DREW: He got bit by a deadly jungle spider.

ME (coughing loudly): Why does Batman have a brown costume now?

DREW: That's not Batman, that's Wolverine.

ME: It's just Batman in a brown costume.

DREW: It's completely different, and it's Wolverine.

ME: Well, he looks just like Batman.


ME: But brown.


ME (honking again): Why does Spiderman sound like a teenager?

DREW: You know what Mary? This is why you're sick.

ME: Because I'm a horrible person?

DREW: Yes.

ME (coughing): I was merely trying to feign interest in your interests! Hey, I like that costume! What's that one's name?


ME: If you're not really into this, can we watch Project Runway?

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Richard Cory

Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on the pavement looked at him:
He was a gentleman from sole to crown,
Clean favored, and imperially slim. 
And he was always quietly arrayed,
And he was always human when he talked;
But still he fluttered pulses when he said,
"Good-morning," and he glittered when he walked.

And he was rich—yes, richer than a king—,
And admirably schooled in every grace: 
In fine, we thought that he was everything
To make us wish that we were in his place. 
So on we worked, and waited for the light,
And went without the meat, and cursed the bread;
And Richard Cory, one calm summer night,
Went home and put a bullet through his head.
-----by Edward Arlington Robinson
This morning I learned that Drew Bernstein, a member of our rock and roll tribe who clothed every cool person and teen goth that ever existed, killed himself. He was a successful, attractive, smart, well-liked person and the news has stunned and saddened everyone who knew him. 

I didn't know him well, but I knew him peripherally for many years, liked him, and have heard from all accounts that he was a kind and caring person. I am honored that the photo circulating features him in a CSFH tee, and feel sad to see him looking so vibrant and alive while knowing that he is gone. To all his family and friends that may stumble upon this blog, I send you my deepest condolences. 

People are checking out at an alarming rate. My mother is regularly telling me that energy is intensifying and we are being asked to release much of what is old and weighs us down to make room for a higher vibrational form of being as the earth and its inhabitants move at a snail's pace towards this bullshit ascension that is, in my opinion, taking way too long to come about, if indeed it is coming about at all.

I kind of do know that it is coming about, but I still like to bitch about it because there's a punk rock part of me that needs to hold up a middle finger at all this positive, new agey, happy horseshit. Especially as I have had, since last November, some highly confusing and difficult months, starting with the landlord caving my ceiling on Thanksgiving and culminating in a perio-menopausal horror show that has only recently been managed with hormone replacement therapy. Sweet, sweet hormone replacement therapy. It's supposed to be temporary but I'm so much more happy and even-tempered now that the authorities will have to pry the medication out of my cold dead hands one day.

Essentially, I've felt nuts for the last year, and I am not alone. My Drew (not Bernstein) has too, and most of my friends as well.

I got this text from Storm today, after I sent her the news about Drew and after we had just had a conversation two days ago about Robin Williams: "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???"

WTF, indeed? I imagine, that if this energy scenario is true, and if you are prone to depression or not in an even place to begin with, being energetically required to release old feelings, pains, traumas, etc. from this lifetime or others, could indeed be fatal. And to my mother's credit, she told me ten years ago that I would be seeing many people leaving the planet as they either had more important things to do on the other side to help with the shift or wouldn't be able to assimilate to what was happening comfortably enough to stay in body.

Anyway, beyond the new age scenario, which is a lot of guess work at the best of times, and into the more practical. 

I wasn't a fan of Robin Williams, I found his hyperactivity annoying and often unfunny. I wasn't that crazy about seeing him in movies because I found his hairy physicality distracting. But he seemed like a nice man and I get why other people think he was hilarious. I was struck primarily by the tragedy because of our nation's obsession with celebrity, and because it brought back the memories of personal experience.

I have at least a small insight into what the Williams family is feeling because the parent of someone I love hung themselves too, not too many years ago. The cause of death was not made public, mostly to protect the privacy of the family and memory of the person, and probably to stave off the kind of commentary that Robin Williams' family is now facing. I think it was very brave and generous of them to come right out and give the world such intimate details.

When someone commits suicide, the swath of devastation is wide and bleak. The ensuing anguish is almost untenable. Families are never the same, some don't recover from the loss. The people left behind have to work out issues on their own; they are left holding the bag. It's as if the person committing suicide states out loud, only once: "I am not interested in making sure that you are okay. I'm leaving and you will have no say in the matter." People left behind question their own value, why they weren't compelling enough to keep the loved one here, who they are, and how they will make themselves whole without the assistance of the person who created a hole. Suicide is an abandonment of the highest order.

So there's that: anger. Then there's the simple loss: sadness. Then there's the imagining of that person in that physical position in death: horror and anguish. You'd be surprised at how many people die in movies in exactly the same way that real people do, compelling one to leap over couches to change channels in vain attempts at preventing images that remind, images that haunt the psyche, images that cause a person to cry in their sleep from nightmares.

And lastly, there are frustrating and futile machinations in your head that try to turn back time: what could I have said or done to keep them here, to change their mind?

Zelda Williams, Robin's daughter, quit Twitter after some stunningly rotten tweets, including a couple fake images of his body, were sent her way:

ABC News offered live aerial shots of the family home, to which people on social media objected enough that the network apologized. This gives some hope that we are not completely damned as a nation:

A little compassion is in order and not that hard to provide. Instead of cracking callous jokes on facebook or ranting about what a coward this famous man was for hanging himself (which doesn't strike me as a particularly easy thing to do, so I don't get that argument), why can't we take this as a reminder to look at the people closest to us to check to see if they are okay. Because many of us are not, and it doesn't matter if we are famous, rich, popular, and beautiful. And when something like this happens, which it will because no matter how closely we check on each other, some will inevitably fall through the cracks, how about we simply pray or send good thoughts to the families instead of sending a helicopter over their house or a tweet of our opinion on how the person died? People who lost a father, a husband, a best friend, a girlfriend, a child, don't need our opinion. They need our empathy and understanding.

 I often think about L'Wren Scott, who was the summation of everything I wanted to be when I was a teenager--gorgeous, sophisticated, smart, dating a rock star, etc., and who also hung herself. Another informing element to all of this is that the things that we deem as most important to happiness, might not be. Wrap your brain around that for a while. I'm still working on it. In the meantime, I am holding my loved ones close and praying for the people who lost someone.

Which come to think of it, isn't that all of us?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

My Special Purpose

As mentioned in my last blog entry, I was granted a Catalyst Session from my generous friend Jessica Beckwith: It was pretty eye-opening.

Jess asked a ton of compelling questions, which led to insights that I hadn't expected. It got very deep and I found myself getting emotional over childhood stuff that made clear the reasons behind sometimes questionable adult decisions that have led me to where I am now. It wasn't therapy, which I've experienced enough for this lifetime, but more a stroll down the trail of one's career trajectory.

Jess has given me some easy assignments for the summer, which are all pretty fun and involve scrapbooking and other creative means of discovering what kind of life I want to lead and how to allow creativity to flow in order to get me to that life. I remain hopeful and am enjoying much of it. I am very grateful to her for the insight and highly recommend you check out her services if you are in a similar place in life.

Writing featured prominently in our session and seems to be the direction I am most leaning toward taking. But the practicalities are nebulous. I know I can write, but what do I do with that? I have been stymied for years by what I assumed was laziness and procrastination. I can see now that the big block is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of sucking (which is kind of what procrastination is anyway, isn't it?), and a new one I hadn't thought about, fear of being TOO BIG.

Perio-menopause, which should be called HELL ON EARTH, has lately driven me into a corner of foggy and depressed confusion in which all of my past notions about who I am and what I want have been blown into smithereens. Happily, especially for Drew, I am now on good old fashioned Western medicinal hormone replacement therapy, which has helped considerably, much more than all the herbs and hippie-dippie mother goddess crap that I had been dutifully ingesting prior to the gift of some lovely and sanity-bringing prescription medication. I am finally able to sleep through the night without waking up every two hours to nuclear flashes that bathe one in sweat and despair, and my mood swings are not quite so lethal. But there is still an underlying existential sadness that has yet to be deciphered and/or conquered.

On a side-note, it still pains my ego considerably to speak of this publicly, so here are a couple of sexy, estrogen-rich photos to help me regain some sense of dignity.


2014...Thank God for Robert Butcher...

 Okay, that makes me feel better. Thank you for your kind indulgence.

Whenever I go through something painful or expansive I feel the need to go inward to find means of coping. Plus hormonally-induced depression offers the opportunity for lots of laying in bed or on the couch staring at the ceiling. Consequently, I have been doing a lot of meditating, praying, and listening to endless lectures from people who seem to be wiser than myself--anything to help feel a little more grounded and less anxious while in the middle of the maelstrom.

One of the meditations I did was created by my new favorite lightworker, Kyle Gray, to discover what your spirit animal is and what it has to tell you. Before I continue, I want to say that I understand that many of you are not as new agey inclined as myself, so I will not be offended if you think this is all a load of hooey and pass on this entry for a more entertaining one down the road. But these kind of exercises help me, so I offer them up for the like-minded.

Side note: I'm hoping that the new Borderlands game that comes out in October lives up to the other two and will make my brain less squishy and back into blowing stuff up mode. And on that tip, I've been asked to write a gaming column for a friend's fanzine, so that should balance out the quotient as well. I'll keep you posted.

I would prefer to expand my consciousness with a glass of wine or a new pair of shoes, but sometimes that doesn't do the trick and you have to work a bit harder. And I have always been pretty lucky with meditation when giving it the proper (and sober) time and energy. So far I have worked stuff out with my dead dad, met aliens and prevented myself from obsessing into criminal behavior, so I don't know why I'm so resistant to it.

This is a conversation I had with Michael Schmidt last week:

ME: I really, really, reaaaaaaallly want to go to a Cher show with you.

MICHAEL: You've never seen her?

ME: Never! Isn't that sad? I mean she's everything. She's practically...

MICHAEL: Your spirit animal?? I know!!

So I did this Kyle Gray spirit animal meditation and to my surprise and momentary disappointment, Cher did not show up on top of a mountain, full of sage advice and looking fierce in her half-breed outfit.

Instead, after following a little mental walk, I found myself standing on a beach with a panther. I have always been attracted to panthers, starting with a childhood crush on Bagheera in the Jungle Books and flowering wildly on a day that I was really irritated with a high school boyfriend who took me to see the 80's version of Cat People right after I caught him on the phone with another girlfriend. I was royally pissed off but once the movie started I forgot about him and became mesmerized by the idea that the spirit of a more powerful than us animal could live inside a person. I was quiet for the rest of the day as I imagined myself ripping his heart out with my teeth. It gave me a sense of power, I guess, that maybe I didn't feel I had on my own.

So it made sense that my first tattoo would be a panther. I very much wanted to be a badass instead of a nice Catholic girl from Michigan, and to make a statement to the world with something that was old school tough guy in an era when women didn't have tattoos.

At the same time, I've always felt like my love of the cats was a bit corny and obvious, and maybe a bit presumptuous on my part, if that makes sense? Like who the hell do I think I am to claim this fancy animal as my own? Maybe my spirit animal should be a badger or a meerkat. But I went with it and listened.

The message that I got was to accept my power and to stop diminishing myself into these corners of survival jobs, fear of aging, fear of being too little, fear of being too much, fear of not being loveable. Which is pretty much what the catalyst session with Jess told me as well: that I am an artist who has continually tamped my creativity down with choices borne out of fear. Conscious fear of not making a living and unconscious fear of the chasm that could suddenly open up if I allowed myself to be more successful, and thereby more public than I am right now. Which might seem very public to the naked eye, but this blog hits mostly friends and family who aren't going to hurt me or judge me in the same way that a larger space might.

When I was in the Cycle Sluts and things were happening in a big way, I felt uncomfortable with questions and interviews. I liked the stage part, but I didn't like the scrutiny part. I can see now that I shut the fame thing down on my own. I wasn't ready for it, it scared me. I'm comfortable being a big fish in a little pond, where there are no sharks. So I wonder, maybe most of us do this to ourselves unconsciously? What if the parameters we are confined by are primarily of our own making?

I have been lucky enough to know many outrageously talented individuals from all walks of life and in many career fields. The question often begs itself: why aren't they more famous, more successful? Why are some people who seem less talented more fortunate? The answer might be destiny and that the lessons in one particular lifetime aren't about learning through great outward success. But what if it's also that our varied fears keep us from shining as brightly as we could? And another question: is success the joy that we expect it to be? I have a friend who is a very popular performer and it has created tangible problems that don't garner much understanding or empathy from most, because people can't get past the "enviable" fame and finances. I have observed that it is difficult to feel safe or loved when everyone wants something from you.

I don't have any answers for anyone, just questions right now. I do know this: my soul will wither into a dried, cranky, mean ball if I have to bartend or office manage or bookkeep for the rest of my life. I am not knocking any of those things, I am good at them and enjoy them sometimes. But it is not my purpose. I love, LOVE this information about the path to purpose from TD Jakes--

Still, I haven't a fucking clue as to what my true purpose is. And how does one get to discovering or fulfilling that purpose in a world in which rent and dental bills must be paid? The thought seems so daunting, impossible even, the chasm so wide. As much as I've enjoyed bits of my random trajectory, I envy people who know what they want to do and got on doing it as soon as they got past childhood. So many of us live and die doing jobs that merely pay the bills. That voice in my head sometimes says, "Who am I to expect more out of life? Why should I be any bigger or happier than anyone else? There are people without homes or friends who would kill to have half of what I have been given. "

But another, newer, more loving voice says, "There is enough for everyone." I need to believe this is true.

So I'll  leave you with that today, along with Navin Johnson's discovery of purpose...