Please stop before you read this. This blog is very heavy, and its about animal abuse and my thoughts on God. If you don't want to read about either of those things, don't worry, I won't be offended and I'll be back to rock and roll silliness soon enough.
I have gotten to a point in my life where I am unable to watch or read anything too disturbing for entertainment. I think my taste is still pretty dark in some ways, but there has to be some light at the core of the story, even if it's a sad or depressing one. I love Rob Zombie, but I don't want to watch his movies and gratuitous violence makes me feel uneasy and sick inside. I will never watch Irreversible even though some of my friends have told me it's a great movie. I just can't handle it anymore, the cynical stuff makes me feel like I'm polluting my soul. I know that sounds a little bit corny but it's the truth.
I have a lot of animal rights oriented people in my friend list. I don't know all of them but we have that particular issue in common. I send letters and emails where they advise and I donate to whatever causes I can. Animals are all important to me. I know that there are other worthy causes in the world but this is the one that keeps me awake at night. However, I don't watch PETA films on how fur is skinned or how animals are treated in labs, because I can't handle it. I already know that it's going on, and I don't need any more convincing that it needs to stop. I am the choir, and I don't need preaching to.
Yesterday one of my myspace acquaintances posted a bulletin that I opened as I was casually finishing up my night, not expecting anything out of the ordinary. It contained detailed, close-up photos from a Chinese fetish film in which a woman killed a kitten with her heels. It was absolutely devastating. I don't want to give any unnecessary details but I will say that the photo that destroyed me completely was one where the kitten looked up at her happily, and with complete trust. It was the absolute destruction of innocence, darkness over light, all caught on film.
Words can't express how absolutely distraught I am feeling about it today. I lay awake all night last night trying to create some order in my mind and I spent my entire day bursting into tears and snapping at people. I have been crying since I got home from work. I feel as if I've gone through something traumatic in my own life.
I don't often talk about God in my blogs because although I have some very definite spiritual beliefs I don't think myspace is the place to get into it. But I will say that I spent most of last night handing the kitten over to God. I know that that kitten suffered a momentary pain and then went back to Source without my assistance. But I feel so powerless and wounded by it that I also need to find a way to acknowledge that I have no control, and that there is a higher law that I may not see in action here but is still one I can trust. I have to see it this way or I will go mad. And deep down I know it is the truth.
On Sunday I watched Dr. Wayne Dyer on PBS. He is a great source of information on how to live your life more fully, if you have never heard of him. He had a beautiful woman on his show named Immaculee Ilibagiza. She is a Tutsi who survived the genocide in Rwanda and wrote a book about her experience. The book is called "Left To Tell" and I intend to read it as soon as possible.
During the genocide, she and seven other women were hidden by a Hutu pastor in a 3 x 4 foot bathroom for 3 months. They were unable to bathe, lie down or really move. Men hunting for them looked through the house repeatedly, over and over, calling her name and the names of the others, saying things like, "I have killed 399 pigs, if I find her I will have an even 400." She held her breath and waited to die for months. But she didn't die, she just had to stand there quietly while her mind when through all the machinations that it did. At the end of the ordeal she came out weighing 60 lbs. and her whole family, her belongings, everything that she was and had was gone.
This woman spoke with such quiet, gentle forgiveness about this horrible time, and about how she went through her thoughts down into her True Self, where she found peace and forgiveness in the midst of that which cannot be forgiven. While she spoke I felt that I was watching a very evolved being impart the Truth.
So somehow the two things are connected for me, I can't stop thinking about either one, and I know that there are no coincidences. I know that I am meant to have this information. I haven't yet pieced it together completely, but I think that through this woman's voice the Universe was trying to show me (and others) that there is a place of light even in the darkest times. That even when we are in our bodies in the blackest moments there is a soul that is greater than our circumstances that we can trust will be there when the bodies and circumstances are gone. It is a place of light where we can go when we are surrounded by darkness. I have to trust that if this is true for a beautiful African woman that it is also true for a trusting kitten, and for the people who live in such darkness that they cannot see that destroying either one of those things is a crime against their own selves as well.
I truly hope I haven't upset anyone with this blog. I just have to get it out there today.