Yippee! Some things have shifted inside and life is once again worth living. I feel like someone replaced a bad circuit in my brain, and I am more than grateful to have stepped back into (relative) sanity. Thank you to everyone for your insightful and generous comments and mail, it is well appreciated and I hope to answer everyone over the weekend. I know some people are curious as to what's been going on with me, and I don't mind giving you the details, I just haven't felt that they're appropriate for a public blog.
My mother, who as some of you know is very involved in spiritual and healing work, tells me that many of us are burning off old energies that no longer serve us as the consciousness on our planet speeds up for the great shift that is to happen in 2012. It's actually kind of happening now. So I am hoping that this is what I have been going through. I want very much to make my decisions and follow thought processes from a place of presence, rather than unconsciously choosing situations and thought patterns because of shit that happened when I was 5 or 15 or 20. The past no longer needs to hold such relevance in our heart and emotions.
In my experience this is all far easier said than done and I have spent my entire adulthood struggling with it. But I do believe it is possible for us to be free, maybe now more than ever. I am not well-educated enough on the topic to speak to you as an authority on what is happening spiritually on and around this planet, but there is a ton of stuff on the web and if you are interested I highly recommend that you look into the shift. I can feel that things are changing and when I am not spinning like a top inside my own defective brain I can feel that wonderful things are coming. I'm sure that Graciella will have something to say about this as she is much more well-informed than I am and very generous about sharing her knowledge.
My main goal at the moment is to put down the weapons and trust that the Universe has better things to do than to secretly plot to destroy me. I don't know if that makes sense or means anything to anyone, but usually when I'm thinking something and I put it here someone else writes me that they're on the same track, so there it is.
And I know that I keep saying I'm not going to talk about celebrities anymore, but who are we kidding? I'm as much a victim of our garbage culture as the next person, and I just can't keep my mouth shut about what's going on with Paris right now. Truthfully, I'm not as interested in her as I am fascinated by our culture's reaction to her.
I have already stated that I agree that she deserves the same punishment as anyone else who commits the crime she has. I have no issue with her going to jail. What I am saddened by is how rabid America is to see someone suffer. Why do we enjoy watching someone cry? Are we that jealous of her beauty and money? Are we that puritanical that we simply can't tolerate that she shops and sleeps around all day? I feel like Americans across the board are acting like clucking old biddies, or worse, like high school bullies picking on the hot blonde chick. Paris is not vicious or destructive like many of her contemporaries, but maybe she's just not sorry enough for being rich, useless, and slutty for our taste?
When I was in high school two things happened to me around the same time. One was that I got contact lens for my 16th birthday and stopped wearing coke bottle glasses. Two, I saved up and got a pair of leather pants and took them in myself on my mother's sewing machine so they were tight down the leg like Joey Ramone's. I had no designs towards trying to look hot, I just wanted to look cool, like my heroes.
The roar that was heard the first day I wore these stupid pants to school was deafening. I have friends from high school on myspace who will back me up on this. It was as if I had decided to walk through the halls naked. Female mouths dropped open and shouted "Bitch!!" as I walked past. Girls spun away from their lockers snarling like angry wolves. One popular, preppy type practically threw things at me for months and another group of trashier type girls simply shouted threats whenever possible.
Overnight I became legendary, and a target. I was never scared because although I was a nerd in disguise I grew up with a lot of brothers and always knew I could take care of myself if necessary. Plus it wasn't a very tough school, I had great friends to lean on, and quite suddenly I had many of the popular guys wanting to talk to me in class and walk with me in the halls, regardless of the shrieking mayhem.
Inwardly I still believed that I was an unattractive bookworm and I didn't put two and two together until well after high school. I had no idea why those girls felt so threatened by me. I thought they were just so straight that they couldn't handle a pair of leather pants, I never imagined it was that they couldn't handle the way I looked in them.
Anyway, Sarah Silverman and her rotten speech at the MTV awards and the hysteria that is swirling around Paris right now reminds me of those evil, jealous girls. I just kept wondering why anyone would take so personally what clothes I wore, and now I am wondering why we are so emotionally involved in making sure that a girl we don't know suffers as much as possible. I get that the judge had to save face by dragging her back there. I don't get why people are so greedy for blood. It saddens me, not so much for Paris, but for ourselves.
These aren't the pants but it's a funny yearbook photo anyway, and the caption is a direct reference to their legend...