This has been an incredibly difficult year for me. Outwardly, everything couldn't be better. Well, a little independent wealth might be nice, but I'm paying my bills and I can live with that. Inwardly, it's been a neurotic death struggle that would fell any but the strongest.
We all receive our own packages of personality quirks and outward damages, and then we foray into the world with whatever armor we've managed to stockpile throughout childhood. We learn behaviors and thought processes that serve us as best they can and then most of us stumble around blindly operating from a reactionary place until we learn enough shit to curb at least some of the dumber parts of the behavior. At least that's how it's works for me.
There comes a time when the armor created by our own dysfunctions just doesn't serve us as well anymore, and in fact, looks to even hinder us from being truly happy. But how do we put down the only things that have kept us safe in the past? How do we trust that the hurt that we had before that protection was created won't jump out of the closet and attack us once we put the habits down and just stop fighting? How do we go against what's been drilled into our hearts from the get, maybe even through other lifetimes, and move to a safer, saner mode of existence?
Damned if I know. I'm pretty much white-knuckling my way through my panic attacks right now. I have moments of clarity and then the veil drops down again and I'm back in darkness again. It's extraordinarily painful. But I've had enough moments in the abyss throughout my life to know that everything passes. I also have a deep support system of friends and family for those times when I forget myself and go into free fall.
So...I am not putting this online for friends and strangers to see because of any need for assuagement or sympathy. I am actually, in a deeper way beyond the immediate neurotic moments, quite fine and I am trying to trust that the Universe will carry me through to the next level without letting me drop too far into madness. But I have friends that are going through their own shit right now as well, and it seems only appropriate to give a true state of the union in the hope that through being honest with each other we can feel less alone, and less crazy, and less sensitive to the cold and sometimes unkind air that hits our skin when chinks of the armor drop off.
And on a lighter note, I see my favorite slut Miss Paris Hilton is out of jail already. I hope Sarah Silverman chokes on the bile that will undoubtedly come up when she hears the news. Ha!