Saturday, October 13, 2007

La Vida Loca

This is a strange and wonderful time for me. My life is better than it has ever been. Over the last few years I've been honestly happy, far happier than in earlier years when it looked from the outside like I should have been ecstatic, but was actually unhappy and confused much of the time. But this happiness has been punctuated by some standard moments of sheer panic, depression, and some truly crazy behavior.

I often get letters from people, mostly women living in smaller towns, telling me they envy my life and love reading my blogs because it brings them into a world they can only dream of and would love to have. I know exactly what they're talking about because I grew up in a small town and while there spent every waking minute hating it and researching what was going on outside the immediate radius. It's not easy and I used sheer force of will to propel myself out. But I know I've had the benefit of a good destiny as well.

I honestly believe that one of my contracts in this lifetime is to open up what I have been given for examination by people who feel they are looking in from the outside. This is lovely for me because it brings a deeper connection to the world, and dangerous because it's the internet and any lunatic with an agenda out in cyberspace can read whatever I'm saying. So I have to walk a fine line: I can't expose the people I love in some ways and I can't expose myself in other ways. I am also finding that when you are really visible and open people start believe that they know you intimately, and that can be a slippery slope into all kinds of uncomfortable situations.

I do lead an exciting life. I am friendly with all kinds of exciting people and occasionlly get to do exciting things. I am fully psyched for Halloween, which will afford an opportunity to dress up, get a lot of attention (my favorite!), and hopefully entertain the hell out a nicely sized crowd. Performing onstage in front of people who like what you're doing is the best thing in the world, and I don't intend to do it too often anymore so I want to be fully in the moment when I do. Being in a band is a lot of work, meant for 20 year olds who are willing to work crappy bar jobs to support the dream. I'm far too lazy and cranky for that.

The first six months of this year were spent fighting some serious demons contained within my psyche. I cleared out a lot of old energy, but I still struggle to find my way through my own twisted brain at times. There are all kinds of dark issues with self-worth, trust and boundaries, like most of us. I have come to the conclusion that I will always be a little crazy, and I'm okay with that as long as I don't do serious harm to myself or others.

I got into the big city when it was nearly impossible not to fall into something amazing and creative if you had the desire for it. It's not that simple anymore, and I feel for kids just trying to spread their rock and roll wings and fly right now. The fields are certainly not as fertile, and that's a tragedy of epic proportions. I am so grateful for what we had and continue to have because of that time.

I am also grateful that I am considered beautiful and that it has opened many doors for me. But it's a whole other can of worms as well. How do you let some of that go and find other ways to feel whole during the march of time when outward appearance is what society values and rewards above all? So far I'm just pretending that it's not happening and will most likely end up looking like one of those old showgirls with dyed black hair and false eyelashes at age 80, wearing a caftan and showing ancient photos to anyone who'll stop by to visit me and the inevitable herd of cats and yappy little dogs. I imagine the lamps will have scarves draped over them and TCM will still be the primary channel featured on the television.

Anyway, I ramble (surprise!). So what's the point? I guess I'm just trying to say that I am flattered that some of you are excited by my vida loca. But I want to make it clear that I also have the same bullshit going on that everyone else does: I have moments where I feel like I'm going nowhere. I get up every morning and go to work to support myself, as I have my entire adult life, and then I come home to my tiny apartment to feed the pets and vacuum, evil eye my boyfriend wondering what he's been up to all day, and load on 3 moisturizers before going to bed. That's the God's honest truth.

I hope this doesn't sound like an ego trip, because it's the opposite. I just want to acknowledge what you write to me, and to continue to try to pay my good fortune forward. I can't be intimate friends with everyone who seeks it on here, but I do try to share what I can, at least as much as is possible.



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