Sunday, June 24, 2007

Cat Grooming

Wow, who knew when you stayed in all weekend all this time would come up for writing? Plus my apt looks slightly cleaner and at least one of the cats have been brushed. I wish I had nothing to do every day, it's delightful.


I want to make something clear about my last blog. It was my not my intention in any way, shape, or form to discuss whether people think I am attractive or not. I'm embarrassed by that and almost didn't tell that story because I don't want it to be misconstrued. But I am very fascinated by what motivates people to behave the way they do, especially in social situations. And lately I am especially fascinated by the fact that we may be more motivated by who we were as teenagers than we even realize.


I've gotten a few emails asking me about the shift in 2012 that I mentioned a while back. I don't believe that my blogs are probably the best place to get into some things too deeply, especially as I am not as well-informed as I could be and depend on my mother to send me information and direction.


I will tell you that there are a lot of exciting things happening and that anyone interested can find all sorts of information on the web. It hardly takes much searching at all. But it's deep stuff and in my opinion better found on one's own, although I'm happy to direct people to websites I know about via private email if they are really curious.


As many of you know from reading my blogs, I've been through all kinds of emotional shit over the last couple of months. Many of my friends are experiencing heavy upheaval as well, much of it very painful. I have been told this has to do with clearing old energies that we no longer need. It's sort of like cleaning a roasting pan, everything gets really icky before it actually gets clean.

So if you are feeling crazy or lost have faith that this may be what you are experiencing and that you will come out on the other side better prepared for a life at a different level of consciousness. It's important to connect with your higher self as much as possible right now. I am lazy as hell about this but have been forcing myself to meditate more often and it most certainly has helped. In my case I also cycle way too much in my brain so if you are doing that meditation will help that as well.


All right. Gonna go fight with a brush and another cat now. Hopefully there's something good on TCM.




Saturday, June 23, 2007

Orangutan Mama

Well, today was a perfectly gorgeous day and I had intended to go to the mermaid parade with some kids from the store and hook up with my friend Heather while there. I have acquired a really good parasol that would have worked out quite well for standing in the sunshine and looking fabulous, but alas, it was not to be. This last week was so busy that I've got laryngitis and my jaw has just begun to cease hurting from gritting my teeth through a heavy work week accompanied by social obligations every night. Now it's all about dirty hair, pajamas and the TV until Monday morning rolls around. I suspect that Drew is somewhat pleased that I am unable to talk too much.

My good friend Jyrki and his band the 69 Eyes played on Wednesday at the Gramercy Theatre. I like the theatre a lot, it's not too big and has an old school feel to it. Jyrki wanted me to make sure that Ronnie Sweetheart came to the gig, which was arranged, and he dedicated Rocker to Ronnie with a story of how a Throbs gig inspired him to start a band in the 80's. Ronnie was very touched. Then I got a lovely dedication of the song Gothic Girl "for the Cycle Slut that I call when I am depressed". Of course I was absolutely delighted to be the envy of all the teenage goth girls in the front row of the "gosh pit" (as Kitty Kowalski dubbed it). Yes, I am that petty.

Afterwards Jyrki said, "I was afraid you'd be pissed you didn't get Rocker". Dude, are you kidding? I'm such a glutton for attention that as long as I'm mentioned I'm happy. He also gave me a copy of the photo book that Ville Juurikkala put together from their last tour. If you are a fan you should pick it up, it's absolutely gorgeous and the photos are well above the usual quality of band/tour documentation.

Afterwards we went to Cups and drank too much and watched Racci Shay from Wednesday 13 get hot wax poured all over his chest. I'm too lazy to look up their links for you but they're out there. It was another quality evening brought to you by rock and roll. I was simply very happy to be surrounded by people with long black hair and heavy eyeliner, which doesn't happen nearly enough for my taste nowadays. And the next night I got a text from Racci (though I don't remember exchanging numbers), which simply said, "Shit housed again. Wonder what's gonna happen!" Godspeed, Mr. Shay.

The night before that I went to one of Drew's gigs. He has more than one band, three to be exact, and this particular one I hadn't seen in a while. Although their crowd is usually too Williamsburg for my taste it was a welcome relief to be surrounded by working-class people involved in their own subculture rather than the models and socialites of late. At least these people are there to listen to music. Sigh…guess this means I'm going to have to stop bitching about frumpy Brooklynites now. Things have gotten so bad in NYC I'm actually being forced to make peace with the hipsters…

I had one of those Oprah lightbulb moments during the show, which I would like to share. I am beginning to see that TGW is right in her opinion that we never really escape high school, and I am once again blogging how life can tend to revisit those flourescent lit hallways of our youth.

One of the women who is a part of the inner circle of this particular band has always been somewhat rude to me. She's one of those females that will talk to your guy for lengthy periods of time without physically or verbally acknowledging that you're standing there next to him, and consequently her.

You know those ladies: even though you may have been introduced they will laugh and rub male arms and crack jokes and ask questions and never, ever look in your direction while you stand there silently waiting to be included in the conversation, or for the conversation to end so you and your significant other can move on to friendlier pastures.

This is a pet peeve of mine. I like women--being friends with women, hanging with women, etc, and this always feels like a slap in the face. It's a power play designated to dampen another female's spirit and it's one of those particularly feminine ploys that make men somewhat rightfully deem women as catty little bitches. Because, well, some of us are catty little bitches. And I have no use for it. I am as competitive and neurotic as the next woman, but this kind of warfare is far too amateur and obvious for my taste.

Okay, so that's where we've been with this particular person. And me being me, I've gone on a rant whenever her name comes up, primarily because Drew, although extremely intelligent and wise in the ways of women and men, was just not seeing it and trying to diffuse my ire by hastily brushing it off. Which is a fatal mistake because it only makes me more enraged and ranty. Men, take heed: when your woman complains that someone you're friends with is a bitch, protect your own peace and quiet by allowing that she may have a point, even if you secretly think she's just nuts.

So she came in while Drew and I were at a table with her boyfriend, the boyfriend sitting on a chair across from a banquette along the wall that Drew and I were both sitting on. She took the chair next to him, and gave her boyfriend and Drew a big hello, and at the last second sort glanced in my direction out of obligation and mumbled, "Hey, how're you?" without sincerity. I replied, "All right." in the cuntiest manner possible. I don't always intend to behave this way, but I just can't help myself sometimes.

Her boyfriend got up to get a drink, and as soon as he was a few feet from the table she turned to Drew and said, "I'm going to sit next to you." And she actually got up from her seat and sat on the scant inches left on the edge of the banquette on the opposite side of Drew. So now she's packed up against him, the three of us are in a row against the wall, and he is forced to turn his head completely away from me to answer her questions and carry on a polite conversation, all the while knowing that his psychotic Scorpio girlfriend is on the other side fuming, and it could all turn ugly at any second.

But honestly, I'm just tired of all of the superficial bullshit lately. I genuinely want to get along with the different groups of people around me and he and I haven't had much time together in comfortable spaces lately. We're both often overtired and time together is at a premium. I just wanted to have a good night out with my boyfriend and not get into anything stupid. So I left them on the banquette and got up and went to the bar to take a breath and collect myself. The bartender was cool and she and I bonded for a minute over white wine preferences and by the time I came back bitchy girl's boyfriend had returned and Drew could comfortably turn his attention back to me. He mouthed the words, "Wow, that was really fucked up."

Um…YEAH. See, I'm not always crazy.

Then it was time for them to play and I stood happily next to a very tough older gentleman who is a good friend of Drew's and always comes to the gigs. He was recently released from prison and just happens to be gay, so I think the hard time thing worked out better for him than most. He seems pretty casual about it anyway, and I like his rough edges. He spoke to me about how he's really into some band called Trillium lately and I gave him a rundown of all the shoes in the room that I thought should never be worn again. We have absolutely nothing in common and just sort of talked over each other and it was funny and comforting and I felt really proud of myself that I hadn't made an issue out of the earlier event.

As we stood there bitchy girl moved past us to the front of the stage (this kind of girl always stands directly in front of the stage), and as she walked up I saw another girl who is also part of the entourage head towards her. This second girl has never, ever once looked at me, but the energy of the rejection is more passive than directly aggressive. Her boyfriend is also tight with mine, and we are often in the same room together. She always stands next to her man and ignores the entire scene rather sullenly. I know that she has some life in her bc I've seen her posts here on myspace, but when I've attempted to catch her eye to say hello it's been fruitless. So now I just don't bother, but I'm not especially offended.

Okay, so I see the two girls converge, their heads go together in conversation and the band begins, and I realize that they're good friends. And I wonder, have I unwittingly done something to one of them that has caused both of them to shun me? This is always a possibility, but as I pondered their obvious ease of friendship I happened to glance down at that moment at my extremely short skirt and high heels. Click, click, click...my brain actually started working and the proverbial light bulb went, "Ping!"

Ooooooooohhhhh. I'm the hot girl. I had no idea.

Seriously. And I am by no means tooting any horns here. I know my assets but I also am well aware of my limitations. These girls are half my age and I never considered that there was any competing to be done because we come from completely separate planets. I come from the land of aging rockers, excessive tattoos, too much makeup, and gothey guys getting wax poured on their chests in shitty basement bars that play metal. In that dying land I am queen. In their land

I am an old crow in a push-up bra. These girls come from a much younger point of reference in which corduroy and choppy haircuts feature prominently. They would never be interested in the music scenes that I find interesting, and they have the bloom of youth on their side. They are by no means unattractive physically, just wearing much different wrappers. It's apples and oranges. So it never even occurred to me that there would be any struggle in this direction. Plus, we're supposed to get along because our men are buds. I had NO IDEA we were playing THAT game. That tedious, tiring, old, stupid, stupid game!

So there I stood with a cocktail in my hand marveling at the fact that the whole time I was taking someone's poor opinion of me very personally when I should have just seen it for what it was—those same damn insecure bitches from high school acting like assholes in the hallway that I spoke of in my last blog.

Which makes me think that we need to start viewing more interactions from a standing by the locker point of view. From that vantage point a lot of social behavior makes sense: everyone wants to be cool, some girls form yucky little cliques and act bitchy without reason, and others, like me, still feel like the dorks they were back then and thus immediately gravitate towards the comfort and wisdom of the gays, and don't always recognize social dynamics for what they are right away.

It makes me wonder: how often are we reacting/interacting from our high school state of self? I'm beginning to think it's more often than we'd like to admit.

And yes, you knew that already, TGW, didn't you?

Anyway, the realization sort of made me soften towards these dumbass girls and I actually had a conversation with the first one later on in the night when she was forced to stand alone next to me at the bar while the boys loaded their gear. It went fairly well but I still plan on wearing something truly whorey to the next gig, just to make a point. Now that I know which game we're playing I think I'm going to have a little fun with it.

And on a completely different note, someone sent me this video (link below) today, which is an example of women doing something really wonderful and reminding me that all this social crap that many of us are in the middle of right now is meaningless.

Power, looks, insecurity, popularity, etc. are all moments of ego that have nothing to do with the truth of who we are. My speaking of it is my way of trying to make peace with the world I have chosen to exist within and am now struggling to make peace with, but I always know that it's an illusory pond that we're playing in. When I watch this I am reminded that we have bigger fish to fry, now more than ever…




Orangutan Mama

Saturday, June 9, 2007

And We're Back!

Yippee! Some things have shifted inside and life is once again worth living. I feel like someone replaced a bad circuit in my brain, and I am more than grateful to have stepped back into (relative) sanity. Thank you to everyone for your insightful and generous comments and mail, it is well appreciated and I hope to answer everyone over the weekend. I know some people are curious as to what's been going on with me, and I don't mind giving you the details, I just haven't felt that they're appropriate for a public blog.


My mother, who as some of you know is very involved in spiritual and healing work, tells me that many of us are burning off old energies that no longer serve us as the consciousness on our planet speeds up for the great shift that is to happen in 2012. It's actually kind of happening now. So I am hoping that this is what I have been going through. I want very much to make my decisions and follow thought processes from a place of presence, rather than unconsciously choosing situations and thought patterns because of shit that happened when I was 5 or 15 or 20. The past no longer needs to hold such relevance in our heart and emotions.


In my experience this is all far easier said than done and I have spent my entire adulthood struggling with it. But I do believe it is possible for us to be free, maybe now more than ever. I am not well-educated enough on the topic to speak to you as an authority on what is happening spiritually on and around this planet, but there is a ton of stuff on the web and if you are interested I highly recommend that you look into the shift. I can feel that things are changing and when I am not spinning like a top inside my own defective brain I can feel that wonderful things are coming. I'm sure that Graciella will have something to say about this as she is much more well-informed than I am and very generous about sharing her knowledge.


My main goal at the moment is to put down the weapons and trust that the Universe has better things to do than to secretly plot to destroy me. I don't know if that makes sense or means anything to anyone, but usually when I'm thinking something and I put it here someone else writes me that they're on the same track, so there it is.


And I know that I keep saying I'm not going to talk about celebrities anymore, but who are we kidding? I'm as much a victim of our garbage culture as the next person, and I just can't keep my mouth shut about what's going on with Paris right now. Truthfully, I'm not as interested in her as I am fascinated by our culture's reaction to her.


I have already stated that I agree that she deserves the same punishment as anyone else who commits the crime she has. I have no issue with her going to jail. What I am saddened by is how rabid America is to see someone suffer. Why do we enjoy watching someone cry? Are we that jealous of her beauty and money? Are we that puritanical that we simply can't tolerate that she shops and sleeps around all day? I feel like Americans across the board are acting like clucking old biddies, or worse, like high school bullies picking on the hot blonde chick. Paris is not vicious or destructive like many of her contemporaries, but maybe she's just not sorry enough for being rich, useless, and slutty for our taste?


When I was in high school two things happened to me around the same time. One was that I got contact lens for my 16th birthday and stopped wearing coke bottle glasses. Two, I saved up and got a pair of leather pants and took them in myself on my mother's sewing machine so they were tight down the leg like Joey Ramone's. I had no designs towards trying to look hot, I just wanted to look cool, like my heroes.


The roar that was heard the first day I wore these stupid pants to school was deafening. I have friends from high school on myspace who will back me up on this. It was as if I had decided to walk through the halls naked. Female mouths dropped open and shouted "Bitch!!" as I walked past. Girls spun away from their lockers snarling like angry wolves. One popular, preppy type practically threw things at me for months and another group of trashier type girls simply shouted threats whenever possible.


Overnight I became legendary, and a target. I was never scared because although I was a nerd in disguise I grew up with a lot of brothers and always knew I could take care of myself if necessary. Plus it wasn't a very tough school, I had great friends to lean on, and quite suddenly I had many of the popular guys wanting to talk to me in class and walk with me in the halls, regardless of the shrieking mayhem.


Inwardly I still believed that I was an unattractive bookworm and I didn't put two and two together until well after high school. I had no idea why those girls felt so threatened by me. I thought they were just so straight that they couldn't handle a pair of leather pants, I never imagined it was that they couldn't handle the way I looked in them.


Anyway, Sarah Silverman and her rotten speech at the MTV awards and the hysteria that is swirling around Paris right now reminds me of those evil, jealous girls. I just kept wondering why anyone would take so personally what clothes I wore, and now I am wondering why we are so emotionally involved in making sure that a girl we don't know suffers as much as possible. I get that the judge had to save face by dragging her back there. I don't get why people are so greedy for blood. It saddens me, not so much for Paris, but for ourselves.


These aren't the pants but it's a funny yearbook photo anyway, and the caption is a direct reference to their legend...


Thursday, June 7, 2007

Nudity

This has been an incredibly difficult year for me. Outwardly, everything couldn't be better. Well, a little independent wealth might be nice, but I'm paying my bills and I can live with that. Inwardly, it's been a neurotic death struggle that would fell any but the strongest.


We all receive our own packages of personality quirks and outward damages, and then we foray into the world with whatever armor we've managed to stockpile throughout childhood. We learn behaviors and thought processes that serve us as best they can and then most of us stumble around blindly operating from a reactionary place until we learn enough shit to curb at least some of the dumber parts of the behavior. At least that's how it's works for me.


There comes a time when the armor created by our own dysfunctions just doesn't serve us as well anymore, and in fact, looks to even hinder us from being truly happy. But how do we put down the only things that have kept us safe in the past? How do we trust that the hurt that we had before that protection was created won't jump out of the closet and attack us once we put the habits down and just stop fighting? How do we go against what's been drilled into our hearts from the get, maybe even through other lifetimes, and move to a safer, saner mode of existence?


Damned if I know. I'm pretty much white-knuckling my way through my panic attacks right now. I have moments of clarity and then the veil drops down again and I'm back in darkness again. It's extraordinarily painful. But I've had enough moments in the abyss throughout my life to know that everything passes. I also have a deep support system of friends and family for those times when I forget myself and go into free fall.


So...I am not putting this online for friends and strangers to see because of any need for assuagement or sympathy. I am actually, in a deeper way beyond the immediate neurotic moments, quite fine and I am trying to trust that the Universe will carry me through to the next level without letting me drop too far into madness. But I have friends that are going through their own shit right now as well, and it seems only appropriate to give a true state of the union in the hope that through being honest with each other we can feel less alone, and less crazy, and less sensitive to the cold and sometimes unkind air that hits our skin when chinks of the armor drop off.


And on a lighter note, I see my favorite slut Miss Paris Hilton is out of jail already. I hope Sarah Silverman chokes on the bile that will undoubtedly come up when she hears the news. Ha!