Saturday, March 1, 2008

Clean

First, re my last blog—the co-worker I spoke of is actually a supercool and smart person who went home and researched and listened to Suzi Quatro after our t-shirt conversation. She's now terrified that a posse of ancient, angry rockers are going to storm the store with torches in hand, so please don't be hatin'. P.S. The bitch was born the year I graduated from high school. How fucked up is that?

Some pretty interesting lessons have been coming my way, actually flying past my head at a lightning speed. I truly believe that we are in the middle of the planetary shift that so many people are speaking about, I can feel things speeding up and getting lighter all the time. It's really marvelous.

My mother did a reading for me recently and one of the things she touched upon was that it's time for me to start practicing unconditional love instead of seeing myself as separate from everyone except my friends or people exactly like us. I have built an entire life and personality out of separation, I felt separate from most of society from the minute I realized there was a society, which I'm sure is how most of my friends feel.

But she pointed out that because a lot of you people are kind enough to read my self-important ramblings, it is even more imperative that I operate from my higher self. So I'm working on it. Which does not mean that I am going to try to like everyone, which we all know is an absolute impossibility. And honestly, I don't want to be friendly with the whole world, I like being scary and unapproachable and keeping some initial distance. It's more about holding the consciousness when communicating with people.

This year has brought an incredible amount of healing to me. Drew's presence in my life has brought a security that I've never known, and with it I am learning to trust the world in a way that allows me to feel and act much less defensively than I have in the past. I will never be a mellow person, but I would like to speak and act from a clear and secure place rather than from a place of automatically shutting someone down or out before they have the chance to hurt me or invade my space in any way.

So along those lines I'm realizing it's time to be honest with people. Even though it's sometimes more work, it's also the cleanest, and I think (in the long run) the kindest thing to do, as long as we speak our truths with compassion for the other person.

There were three situations recently in which I just totally came clean with my thoughts, when in the past I would have just complained to my friends and then expressed my true feelings with random bitchiness. Two of them are not close people in my life and I could have easily kept them in the dark and not been too affected, but I went out of my way to explain some things because I felt that it was information they deserved to know. The third person is someone much closer, but I might have blown off the potential friendship and just gossiped behind her back because I didn't think she would "get it".

I expressed myself gently, but frankly. The first two people just disappeared. It was absolutely amazing. They just never responded and dropped off the face of the planet, which is pretty great because they were both annoying as all hell. The third person stepped up in a way that was well beyond my expectations and really lovely, and that was great too because I enjoy her company and now we can move forward with a real friendship.

So KIM and I had a conversation yesterday about how people are either stepping up like champions or dropping off like flies right now for both of us. The cosmos is just forcing the hand with relationships. And it's been clean and easy, there are no crazy dramas with anyone. It's like there's a giant cosmic broom in place.

Yesterday was such an in-the-groove day that I can't help but think that changing my focus is effective, and that there is something really big going on planetarily. First, there was the afore-mentioned person who stepped up. Then Kim and I confirmed that the same things are happening to each of us. Then Drew and I went out to visit MIKE while he DJ'ed at a delightful transvestite party. And I do mean transvestite: not transsexual, not drag queen, but burly men in crooked, ratty wigs and smeary orange-red Kmart lipstick, shuffling around in Easy Spirit pumps and librarian skirts.

I've never seen a more clueless and unattractive bunch, and I could not have been happier. It was awesome. One guy put his leg up on the pool table while he made a shot and his balls fell out from under his dress. Mike turned to me and said, "It's important to cherish these special moments together." Oh yes. Yes indeed, dear friend. I am SO taking my mom to this party next time she's in town.

Drew was in Drew on Fire® mode, and did some delightful dancing for us and "the ladies". He really wanted to put his head on one ample, ahem, "breast" for a slow dance, but alas, we had other places to go. We headed over to the polar opposite kind of party to hang out with Drew's band and the models and beautiful people who orbit around them. And that was equally as fun and just as silly, although much easier on the eyes and I'm guessing with a few less balls under dresses.

I rolled around on the couch with my favorite supermodel (being careful not to crush her delicate bird limbs) and Drew continued to entertain with the smokin' moves. And I was nice to everyone, even the twits (of which there are many in this crowd). Imagine that! We got totally loaded and it was an absolutely fun and completely pointless night.

This morning I woke up (late for work, with a hangover) and found the most vicious, vitriolic and abusive myspace message waiting for me from an old friend who has been descending into madness for some years now and has become increasingly violent tempered. I almost want to post it here because it was so crazy that it's entertaining, but I don't want to create a shitstorm.

The message was pretty much out of the blue, and I'm not sure what set it off, but even it's randomness is lovely in a way, because it seems that the Universe is just doing more cleaning for me. This person deleted me and ended what was left of our friendship, and I could not be more grateful that I didn't have to do anything to exorcise this particular toxicity out of my life. And I truly wish him the best, with no residual anger on my part whatsoever. We had a lot of fun and special times together over the years, and I value that. And he introduced me to Drew, who is my heart, and to Mike, who is my family. How can I hate that?

So the point? I'm not exactly sure yet. I'm just fascinated at how things are falling into place at the moment, and enjoying the experiment of being alive. And it appears that making the connection in my brain to at least attempt to operate in a deeper and more truthful manner is manifesting in my outer world.

I understand that it's easy to say this when I've got a fun job, killer friends, a loyal boyfriend and some really sexy cats:







But it hasn't always been this way, and it's deeper than that. I believe that we're in the middle of a giant shift in consciousness, and that because I have been handed the gift of some really happy times after an entire lifetime of being angry and in pain, it's my responsibility to pay it forward by reporting from the frontlines. It's time to either jump in or get left behind and I want to be on the ride.

I realize that not everyone thinks this way spiritually, and that's totally okay; you can think of me as a silly girl and I'm fine with it. Just do me a favor and please keep your balls in your skirt.

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