Wednesday, February 10, 2010

This Is What Happens...

...when cranky old rock chicks finally get fed up...

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ME: So how are things going with X?

UNNAMED FEMALE FRIEND: You mean Fatso?

ME: Haha!

UFF: That fucking fat faggot? I’ll tell you how things are going. They’re NOT.

ME: Shit. What happened?

UFF: What do you think happened? He’s a fucking asshole, that’s what happened. I hate him. Those fucking bikers, they think they’re so badass. They’re all a bunch of pussies, that’s why they have to start their little clubs together, they can't stand alone. I fucking hate him, and I told him so.

ME (laughing): Wow, harsh.

UFF: And then I hit him.

ME: You HIT HIM??? Are you nuts?

UFF: Yeah, I fucking hit him. Fucking faggot. I said, “How dare you lure me back into this bullshit with a promise that it would be different this time, then you TORTURE me again with your shitty behavior!” How DARE he! That is just NOT DIGNIFIED. So I slapped him.

ME: Oh my God. You are KILLING me! Then what happened?

UFF: He told me to never hit him again.

ME: So what did you do?

UFF: I fucking backhanded him with the same hand.

ME: You are completely insane. Weren’t you scared he would hit you back? He’s huge!

UFF (making the meanest face imaginable): I’d love it if he tried. Then I’d really kick his big fat ass.

ME: So I guess it’s over then?

UFF: Yes. Another fabulous relationship down the toilet.

DREW (calling from an attempted nap in the other room): You guys are gonna give me nightmares!

7 comments:

Greta B said...

Fat bikers? But I thought all those fixie kids were scrawny vegan nerds! Or was this the motorized type of biker? Either way, hysterical story!

Raffaele said...

Oh, definitely of the one percenter variety, Greta. You know we don't play with hipsters on bicycles!

River said...

So, when can I meet my future girlfriend?

julia said...

this made my night. seriously. raises a glass to hell raising chicks.

Skullgal said...

Agree with Julia... Cheers to your friend, Raff! Particularly for the backhand!

Brody "Tron" said...

Awesome! Your friend has balls.

maya said...

this gave me my joyfix for the day~