Jobbery. Le job. Employment. The glory of a paycheck. Credit card bills. FICO scores.
So most of my friends and facebook pals know that I put in my notice at my job last week. It is maybe not that interesting of a topic for a blog but it's my blog and I'm obsessing so let's get on with it:
I have a job that looks perfect for me on paper: I am surrounded by creative, talented, often funny people; I am paid decently; I have health insurance; I was able to cut my hours down to 4 days a week in order to do my writing on the side. My place of employment is within walking distance to my house. I get my hair done for free. I don't have to be there until 11 am.
So--what's the problem? Without getting too specific, I will say that I have never been fully comfortable in the position, but stayed for a decade because of the above. I have always felt that the interpersonal energies did not fully resonate with my own, especially as I move toward a more spirit-based mode of dealing with my problems. I want peace and kindness around me, and fashion does not necessarily foster those qualities. I am not interested in manipulating numbers, and as the money girl that's what I do all day long. I also no longer agree with the retail business model, in which inexpensive items are bought in bulk, to be sold in bulk, and discarded soon afterward. I feel that our planet is ready for a new way of thinking about how we make, use, sell, and discard the things we need and desire. The fur thing got to me too, as much as I have squawked over the years, I have never been able to convince my fashionable co-workers that they don't need a tail from a tortured creature hanging off of their purse, a purse which was probably made by children anyway.
So there you go. And this year my inner voice has been screaming, SCREAMING at me to make a change and seek work that better utilizes my particular skills and spirit. Let go, let go, let go. Just do it. I started hearing the word "TRUST" over and over again in my head. It almost ceased to be a choice and more an issue of when and how, although logically this is foolhardy, suicidal even in this economy.
Storm Large and I had a conversation a few months ago that snapped something awake in my brain. We were walking through a warm city night, and I explained to her that one of my coworkers calls the office I work in "the chicken house" because it is packed tight with bodies and there is a lot of squawking going on. Storm said, "But you are not a chicken. You are a unicorn."
This dumb/cute little sentence was like an alarm clock. To indulge with another metaphor, I have been a square peg jamming myself in a round hole for quite some time.
So I emailed my version of notice, which is a 3 month warning as my position is sensitive and it would damage people I care about to up and leave in the traditional two weeks. Plus, I have nothing lined up and I need time to get my shit together as well. But still, I am jumping without a net and acutely aware that in three months time I may be forcing my poor club-owning ex-boyfriend to give my old ass bartending shifts, something I swore I would never do again.
I purposely sent the email out five minutes before leaving the house to see Storm sing a show at Poisson Rouge, because she has been so instrumental in helping me see that change is due, and because I knew watching her would take my mind off of the inevitable, ensuing panic. I hate change. Hate it! It sends me into a tizzy every time.
Her performance was great (of course) and she gave me a lot of shout outs from the stage. It was a two part show and I had time to imbibe a decent amount of alcohol. After the show she signed copies of her book for people, and as I sat next to her she again very generously told her fans that I am amazing, hilarious, genius, and to keep an eye out for me.
When we got home I melted down onto the bed in a drunken heap. The cats looked on with disdain and the dog looked worried as I wailed to Drew, "I can't live up to this. I can't do anything. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do. I feel like the biggest piece of shit inside and I can't be that person that people think I am. Why are you even here? You can do better!" It probably came out much slurrier than that, but after so many years of dealing with me he gets it. He pushed me back on the pillow and simply said, "Everything is fine. Get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."
And I did. Well, not immediately. There was an interim of playing Skyrim for six hours in a dazed and depressed hangover funk to keep from thinking about anything. I married my lovely wife in that time, btw, her name is M'joll and she's really good with two-handed weapons:
Then I managed to put the controller down (the batteries ran out) and shook my head out a bit and thought, wow, no wonder I've been so terrified to make a move. Even after all these years of affirmations, therapy, choosing healthy relationships, eating green superfoods, and navel-gazingly cultivating constant reassurance through the interweb, I still secretly fear that I am unworthy. GAH!! I'm going to die penniless and alone!!
Sigh...but that old mentality must be ignored in order to soldier forth. And part of the reason for putting this down for all to see is that I know many of you are held back by the same fears. If we can all say it out loud to each other, maybe the illusive power dissipates.
I will leave you with this, words from my wise mother:
"Panic at this point is perfectly normal, bravery is going ahead in spite of it. The world has lived in the energy of the third dimension (duality and separation) in all lifetimes. That is why this shift is so important and is being observed by so many Galactics, it has never been done like this before with people still in their bodies.
You are right, in recognizing that old "stuff" is presenting itself so you can simply recognize it and then let it go. Energy that is general can release without us having to know what it is, but issues that need thought come to our conscious awareness so we can look at them and work through whatever beliefs are attached to them. I like to ask myself, "What am I believing that is making me feel this way?" This will open a whole can of worms about your belief system and helps you to zero in on a lot of crap that you don't even realize you are holding on to. When I say you, I mean all of us.
It is time to start loving yourself. That is because yourself, is YOURSELF. That is the ongoing evolutionary lesson and is this current shift from metaphysics (God outside of ourselves) to mysticism (God within). When we react negatively to praise, we are recognizing that we ourselves really aren't as great as what is being said about us and we hope no one notices, but once we are able to acknowledge that yes, even though of myself I really am nothing, the real ME can do anything (because my Oneness with Source constitutes my Oneness with completeness). We can then begin to accept and love ourselves and our individual talents knowing that they are qualities of Source manifesting as us and can only get better as we grow in the realization of this. The more we realize the truth about ourselves, it gradually becomes our state of consciousness and the old just drops away. It is like thinking 4 plus 4 is 10 until one day we realize it is 8. From then on we function from this new awareness."
Namaste, bitches. And thank you for all of the kind words on facebook, you are extraordinarily generous people.