Jobbery. Le job. Employment. The glory of a paycheck. Credit card bills. FICO scores.
So most of my friends and facebook pals know that I put in my notice at my job last week. It is maybe not that interesting of a topic for a blog but it's my blog and I'm obsessing so let's get on with it:
I have a job that looks perfect for me on paper: I am surrounded by creative, talented, often funny people; I am paid decently; I have health insurance; I was able to cut my hours down to 4 days a week in order to do my writing on the side. My place of employment is within walking distance to my house. I get my hair done for free. I don't have to be there until 11 am.
So--what's the problem? Without getting too specific, I will say that I have never been fully comfortable in the position, but stayed for a decade because of the above. I have always felt that the interpersonal energies did not fully resonate with my own, especially as I move toward a more spirit-based mode of dealing with my problems. I want peace and kindness around me, and fashion does not necessarily foster those qualities. I am not interested in manipulating numbers, and as the money girl that's what I do all day long. I also no longer agree with the retail business model, in which inexpensive items are bought in bulk, to be sold in bulk, and discarded soon afterward. I feel that our planet is ready for a new way of thinking about how we make, use, sell, and discard the things we need and desire. The fur thing got to me too, as much as I have squawked over the years, I have never been able to convince my fashionable co-workers that they don't need a tail from a tortured creature hanging off of their purse, a purse which was probably made by children anyway.
So there you go. And this year my inner voice has been screaming, SCREAMING at me to make a change and seek work that better utilizes my particular skills and spirit. Let go, let go, let go. Just do it. I started hearing the word "TRUST" over and over again in my head. It almost ceased to be a choice and more an issue of when and how, although logically this is foolhardy, suicidal even in this economy.
Storm Large and I had a conversation a few months ago that snapped something awake in my brain. We were walking through a warm city night, and I explained to her that one of my coworkers calls the office I work in "the chicken house" because it is packed tight with bodies and there is a lot of squawking going on. Storm said, "But you are not a chicken. You are a unicorn."
This dumb/cute little sentence was like an alarm clock. To indulge with another metaphor, I have been a square peg jamming myself in a round hole for quite some time.
So I emailed my version of notice, which is a 3 month warning as my position is sensitive and it would damage people I care about to up and leave in the traditional two weeks. Plus, I have nothing lined up and I need time to get my shit together as well. But still, I am jumping without a net and acutely aware that in three months time I may be forcing my poor club-owning ex-boyfriend to give my old ass bartending shifts, something I swore I would never do again.
I purposely sent the email out five minutes before leaving the house to see Storm sing a show at Poisson Rouge, because she has been so instrumental in helping me see that change is due, and because I knew watching her would take my mind off of the inevitable, ensuing panic. I hate change. Hate it! It sends me into a tizzy every time.
Her performance was great (of course) and she gave me a lot of shout outs from the stage. It was a two part show and I had time to imbibe a decent amount of alcohol. After the show she signed copies of her book for people, and as I sat next to her she again very generously told her fans that I am amazing, hilarious, genius, and to keep an eye out for me.
When we got home I melted down onto the bed in a drunken heap. The cats looked on with disdain and the dog looked worried as I wailed to Drew, "I can't live up to this. I can't do anything. I don't know who I am. I don't know what to do. I feel like the biggest piece of shit inside and I can't be that person that people think I am. Why are you even here? You can do better!" It probably came out much slurrier than that, but after so many years of dealing with me he gets it. He pushed me back on the pillow and simply said, "Everything is fine. Get some sleep, you'll feel better in the morning."
And I did. Well, not immediately. There was an interim of playing Skyrim for six hours in a dazed and depressed hangover funk to keep from thinking about anything. I married my lovely wife in that time, btw, her name is M'joll and she's really good with two-handed weapons:
Then I managed to put the controller down (the batteries ran out) and shook my head out a bit and thought, wow, no wonder I've been so terrified to make a move. Even after all these years of affirmations, therapy, choosing healthy relationships, eating green superfoods, and navel-gazingly cultivating constant reassurance through the interweb, I still secretly fear that I am unworthy. GAH!! I'm going to die penniless and alone!!
Sigh...but that old mentality must be ignored in order to soldier forth. And part of the reason for putting this down for all to see is that I know many of you are held back by the same fears. If we can all say it out loud to each other, maybe the illusive power dissipates.
I will leave you with this, words from my wise mother:
"Panic at this point is perfectly normal, bravery is going ahead in spite of it. The world has lived in the energy of the third dimension (duality and separation) in all lifetimes. That is why this shift is so important and is being observed by so many Galactics, it has never been done like this before with people still in their bodies.
You are right, in recognizing that old "stuff" is presenting itself so you can simply recognize it and then let it go. Energy that is general can release without us having to know what it is, but issues that need thought come to our conscious awareness so we can look at them and work through whatever beliefs are attached to them. I like to ask myself, "What am I believing that is making me feel this way?" This will open a whole can of worms about your belief system and helps you to zero in on a lot of crap that you don't even realize you are holding on to. When I say you, I mean all of us.
It is time to start loving yourself. That is because yourself, is YOURSELF. That is the ongoing evolutionary lesson and is this current shift from metaphysics (God outside of ourselves) to mysticism (God within). When we react negatively to praise, we are recognizing that we ourselves really aren't as great as what is being said about us and we hope no one notices, but once we are able to acknowledge that yes, even though of myself I really am nothing, the real ME can do anything (because my Oneness with Source constitutes my Oneness with completeness). We can then begin to accept and love ourselves and our individual talents knowing that they are qualities of Source manifesting as us and can only get better as we grow in the realization of this. The more we realize the truth about ourselves, it gradually becomes our state of consciousness and the old just drops away. It is like thinking 4 plus 4 is 10 until one day we realize it is 8. From then on we function from this new awareness."
Namaste, bitches. And thank you for all of the kind words on facebook, you are extraordinarily generous people.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Ever get the feeling that your friends are leading more exciting lives than you? I know mine are:
|to:|| MISS Raffaele |
|date:||Sun, Jan 8, 2012 at 8:27 PM|
CHANG MAI, THAILAND
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Happy New Year!
My apologies for not blogging much lately (for those of you who care). I have three more shows with Bebe coming up in February and I've been alternating between sitting frozen in a panic state (i.e. watching cute cat and bunny videos on facebook) or festering about what to write (i.e. playing Skyrim for hours) that could work in a public forum.
There are random things roiling around in my fevered brain that cross my mind to blog about, but it feels to me that the first entry of the year should be on an up, positive, let's-do-this-thing kind of note.
So--2012 is finally here. The year of the shift, the year of ascension. Feels the same to me, and then again, it doesn't.
I am nowhere near qualified to tell you what is happening, nor am I 100% positive that the people who seem to be qualified really are. But if you want some deep information on the move from third dimensional to fifth dimensional consciousness that is supposed to be taking shape, here is a blog that you can check out.
It contains some very advanced information, so don't get discouraged if you get confused. I have to read it in small sections and even then I still feel like an idiot.
I just found this today, and it's pretty cool:
And my mother has a blog that I am not going to post the link to right now, as it contains some deep concepts and she's my mommy and I want to protect her from people who might not be ready for it. If you are interested you can email me and I'll be happy to give you the link.
If you are interested in this kind of thing, you can google "2012 shift", "fifth dimensional consciousness", anything along those lines, and you'll get pages and pages of information about the changes that are supposed to have been and/or currently are taking place.
I would like to share with you, from my own tiny corner and for the new year, some things that work for me that you can put into practice in your own life. DISCLAIMER: This is not to imply that I think I have it all sewn up. Just that in not always having my shit together, I've learned some stuff that can be safely passed on without danger of hurting anyone.
First, stop talking crap about yourself, your life, and your future. Stop it. Stop complaining, and start stating, in the present tense, how you want things to manifest. In other words, ye olde positive affirmation.
My mother tells me that our guides cannot make any decisions for us, they can only help us facilitate our decisions. So we must state our intent and then be open to letting it happen:
I choose to have a pleasant, easy flight.
I work with people I like, in a job that fulfills my creative and financial needs.
I am happy and healthy.
I love my body.
I am surrounded by people who want the best for me.
I am safe and loved.
I have a lot of fun.
Etc., etc. Whatever it is, put it in the present tense and state it in a positive manner. Try not to be so specific that you screw yourself, because sometimes the Universe has better plans for us than we do for ourselves, and it's nice to stay open to surprises. E.g. "I choose to work in an environment that most closely resonates with my energy." as opposed to not having a stitch of musical talent and shouting into the wind, "I'm gonna be more famous than Gaga!"
Say these affirmations out loud. A lot. And don't get all pissy when it doesn't happen overnight. But you will be surprised at how much does happen.
I have noticed that when I put out some random happy statement on facebook, most people will concur, but there will always be a small contingent that is not feeling it. For instance: "Life is good. =)". One person wrote "Whatever..." Of course that was an ex-boyfriend. One wrote "Wine?" And that would be my ex-husband, who knows me so well. And then another friend just wrote "Eh..." and I felt a little sad for him.
If you are writing "Eh..." on the sky of life (or facebook) right now, you are probably not creating a mental state in which life will feel good. Our thoughts really do manifest in our outer world. Even if you don't believe that their vibrations change things on a quantum physics level, the actions that will naturally follow a thought like "Eh..." are not going to take you anywhere too wonderful. I know we all feel like that at times, I'm a cranky, people-hating bitch and will be happy to sit with you and rant over a cocktail or two. But it can't hurt to take a look at where your thoughts have led you so far, and whether they could use an overhaul.
Second, and along the same line, take responsibility for the energy you are creating in your life. It's probably safe to say that most people don't just magically land in jail or addicted to drugs or screaming at someone in the grocery store. Especially in America, where we are, for the most part, given many freedoms. Your actions create the life around you. You draw people into your sphere that vibrate comfortably with your energy.
So if your energy is unhappy, selfish, blaming, shitty, that is what is going coming back at you. Are you giving, giving, giving and feeling exhausted and resentful because you don't feel it's reciprocated? This is because you are sending out the message that you are unworthy of love as you are, without doing everyone's chores, and it answers in kind. Do you play the victim when bad things happen? Bad things happen to all of us no matter how positive we try to remain, and if you live in victim-mode you will never get the lesson that those situations are meant to bring. And then you will repeat the damn lesson over and over again in various forms until you get it. I am a pro at not getting it the first or second time, so I know whereof I speak. "Oh, thank you for that pebble, but I didn't really feel it. Do you think you could throw a brick at my head instead? How about a wall? Do you have a wall you could drop on me?"
And lastly, lest this blog get too long and preachy: Be nice to yourself. Be kind to your body. Meaning:
--Be grateful for what you have.
--Eat healthy most of the time. Don't fill your body with processed crap that makes you feel cranky and unhappy. Especially now, as we move toward a more crystalline form (if you believe that). If you must eat a lot of meat, spend the money on free-range, free of antibiotics, slightly less suffering. Eat your gd vegetables. Shitty food carries shitty energy, and you are what you eat. Literally.
--Stop smoking. Please. Nothing good will come of it and it makes you smell bad. And yes, I know how awesome it is and how hard it is to quit. I loved smoking and was a 1-2 pack a day girl for many years. Don't beat yourself up if you're having a hard time quitting, but please keep trying.
--Stop abusing your medications. You know who you are.
--Stop hating your body and face in an attempt to shame yourself into more self control, or pointing the flaws out loud before someone else can beat you to it. I know it's hard. I do it too, but it only holds us back. Be grateful for a healthy body that has carried you through this world. There are many people, at least one I know that will read this blog, that would be very grateful for the gift of health, in whatever pear or apple shape it came in.
--Stop sitting in relationships and jobs (another form of relationship) that make you feel badly about yourself. This is hard with family and old friends, and we all need to make a living. But pay attention to your surroundings and whether they serve you, and if not, create an escape plan or stop calling the person back.
Okay, that's all I can think of for now. Sending you all lots of love and light. I'm so grateful for my little group of readers, communicating with you is educational and brings much joy, so I thank you for your generosity of spirit.
Happy New Year 2012!