Soooo...I haven't been blogging much lately. Inspiration comes and goes and I've had some entertaining adventures, but I've maintained radio silence to protect the people I love until everything in my life, which is very much in transition, sorts itself into a more peaceful place.
I can tell you this much. I danced on the edge of a quiet insanity for most of 2015. It was excruciating but weirdly exhilarating at the same time, like standing at the edge of a cliff looking down. At the beginning of this year I knew I had no choice but to take a break from my 13 year relationship, which I had, prior to the chaos of last year, assumed, would have sworn on a stack of bibles, was the final and perfect relationship for me. Put a fork in it, I'm happy and done.
None of it has made much sense on paper. I have caused intense pain to someone I love very deeply who has always been loyal, loving, generous, thoughtful and kind. I am horrified at my own capacity for destruction. My family is beyond irritated with me. Half my friends think I'm insane, the other half shake their heads and mutter, "mid-life crisis". I am terrified that I am making enormous mistakes that I will come to regret and which will inevitably lead to the just reward of dying alone on an ice floe much like the silent screen harlots that came before me.
But I've been doing my homework and have learned that this is not an uncommon occurrence for women in perio-menopause. All those lovely hormones that drive us to couple up and nest go kablooey and suddenly we refuse to cook dinner for our loved ones anymore and opt instead to run wild in the streets on our orthopedic old lady shoes. It's not a pretty picture.
If you are interested, Dr. Christiane Northrup is amazing and hits on this in these videos.
I'm trying to roll with it and trust that there is a higher plan for all of us that we don't always see right away. And I'm doing a lot of inner work. I am so fucking sick of inner work. Why can't wisdom and serenity be derived from wine and percocet? But continue it must or go mad. Attempting to stay in the moment and meditating and quiet time and yoga and writing crap down. And randomly bursting into tears at the anything on TV, that seems to be on the menu as well. Eat a bag of dicks, ASPCA ads!
Sigh... I am lucky to be surrounded by some very aware people, and have had a couple of intense/interesting psychic readings during this time of chaos, which ended up more like life-coaching sessions with dead loved ones chiming in here and there. I have been told that I have to go back and heal childhood shit, which of course you don't need to be a psychic to know that this applies to almost everyone. But I did get some specific advice and upon reviewing my notes some 8-9 months later I see that much of it could apply to anyone.
So while I'm working on my mid-life crisis, I thought I could at least throw some things out there that other people could use: Let go of pre-conceived ideas and go to the basis of what real love is about.
The answer lies in self-love.
It's okay to feel love when you say it, look people in the eye and allow yourself to experience it.
Be more spontaneous.
It's okay to say no. When in doubt, don't. Choose to be gentle and non-reactive. Walk softly. Stop being so judgmental. This is not your last lifetime and you are going to see some of these people again.
[UGH!! Noooo! I guess that means this standard behavior is out-- 1:05 mark]
Quiet time is imperative.
Mood swings are a signal that I am not grounded.
Be truthful with myself on all accounts.
So that's it for today. I will try to bring you something more entertaining soon.